I have known about having Multiple Sclerosis (MS), since it was diagnosed in 2010. When I received that diagnosis, I was frail, and needed a walking stick to walk. I fell over often, and was burdened with almost overwhelming fatigue, the kind of fatigue that you don’t get over, just by sitting down for a little while, it is a deep, in your bones fatigue, and if you’ve never had it, you may not understand how bad it is.
But that relapse is over, and the one I had later one, is over, and now all I have is a better understanding of myself, and my MS, and feelings of being a survivor, and thriver, which is a great feeling, but also feelings of guilt, which a horrid feeling. Why am I doing so well with MS, when many others have it in ways that prevent them from living a reasonable life, unable to walk, or look after themselves?
There are many reasons for this, but those reasons can’t completely negate my feelings of guilt. Don’t get me wrong, my feelings of being awesome outweigh the guilt, almost all of the time. I have great family and friends, I live a good, no, mostly fantastic life, and I’m able to do the things I want to do.
Of course, being a writer means MS is no real hindrance to my writing life, in terms of actually writing. And for the other things that will be happening soon – doing talks and workshops, marketing and selling my books, well, I now have a support worker who is excited to be helping me with these things, carrying books, making appointments, and so on. My support worker thinks I’m awesome about this, and I think she is awesome to be helping me – we make an awesome team, for sure.
So an abundance of awesomeness there for sure. But still those twinges of guilt that make me feel gratitude that I am doing as well as I am. My MS medication is helping (with only one troublesome side effect), my medical people are helping too. I am working to attain the level of Stoicism I wish to achieve, managing an almost completely stress-free life, and yes, life is as good as it feel it can be, almost.
Once I am more practised with the Public Speaking gig vibe of my life, working at it more, and getting known for being a worthy, even inspirational speaker, wow, that will be the life I truly want. I am settled in my life, having enough and then a little more, or all I need, and that is a wonderful thing to be able to say.
The guilt I feel is not a bad thing, it is what helps me to maintain a bit of humility, so my awesomeness is an inspiring light for others, not blinding light!